Coming home to my Whole Self

Coming home to my Whole Self

July 18, 2018

As of late, I’ve become keenly aware of my raw, exquisite and fiery humanness. It seems like decades that I’ve been exploring who I am – all parts of me - and steadily accepting all of this human. During my morning practice recently, I began thinking about my need for approval, especially from my parents, and began to cry – very big tears, weeping and wails. It was intense + powerful. And, instead of judging this need for approval, and reprimanding my inner child for still yearning for that nod of approval from my parents, I allowed myself to settle into acceptance - acceptance for who am I, right here, right now. In that moment, I realized there were parts of me that I haven't fully accepted within myself. Those were pieces that I've disconnected with because of a very deep + open wound that was buried upon layers and layers of holding it together, hardening and protection to feel safe and comfortable. As a witness, I saw myself and honored Her very lovingly detached from the story. I also, saw her sadness and the heart wrenching need for belonging. After I allowed the tears to flow and the crying to prevail, there was an opening and an abyss of loving that emerged for this journey and how much it has shaped me and taught me every step of the way. There was profound gratitude for this moment and the awakening to myself and how extraordinary I am when I reclaim and accept all of me. My great teachers Drs. Mary and Ron Hulnick taught me that "Outer reality is a reflection of inner reality". When I let that sink in, it is my acceptance of Self that I've been seeking this entire lifetime and possibly many more.  

During this sadhana, I also considered the perfection of each human – the perfection in our flaws, our gifts, our history, and our humanity. This pondering led me to a potent sense of assurance that it’s not only okay but also, necessary for me to show up as the person that I am. Because, when we stifle our perfectly imperfect selves, that’s a significant loss for humanity. As Guru Singh says, “It is a disservice to humanity if you don’t show up as you in the world. There is one blue print of you and you were called to this Earth for a very specific reason.”

And, when I resist certain aspects of myself that I would like to let go, I’ve found that they persist, becoming stagnant and stuck inside of me yearning to be set free. But, when I can love and acknowledge all of my whole self (even the parts I’d rather not look at) I return home. I return to that space where I feel aligned and trust that everything is unfolding as it is meant to.

To support myself in this process, I’ve found the following practices to be helpful:

Staying committed to my daily Sadhana. I can’t say it enough – I have to get up and do my daily sadhana! This is the early part of the day when my intention is to call forward my connection with the Divine. I tune in, go inward and I am held instantly. This is my giant reset button that supports every facet of my life and helps me find my way back to solid ground when things can seemingly get shaken up. It’s a must, and writing about it here helps me commit to the practice.

Walking. When I am out of balance, taking a short walk outside helps me balance the hemispheres in my brain, giving everything I do after that more clarity and inspiration.

Tuning into kindness and compassion. This is a big one. When I tap into that place in my heart that holds limitless love for myself, I can freely share that with others. I perceive the world with greater joy and am able to contribute in a more meaningful way.  

Free writing. Sometimes, I just need to pull the thoughts out of my mind and get them on to paper. Free writing – writing without censorship – allows me to “clean out” my subconscious with fluidity and zero judgment.

Setting intentions. Something that always supports me in receiving pleasure and expansion in my experiences is setting intentions. Intentions are everything for me. I’m especially feeling the truth in this as I prepare for my time with my parents. So, I’ve been asking myself, “How do I want to show up on this trip?” “What is the vibration that I want to emanate?” and “How do I want to be remembered?” The answer that keeps coming to me is that I want to courageous be me – the real me – in every interaction.

Creating spaciousness. I’m a chronic “over-booker” – packing my days with too much. I’m stepping away from that. I’m going to allow myself to work less, slow down more, and say yes to actually savoring each moment (not just saying that I’m going to savor them!) As they say, slow and steady wins the race. One is actually more productive when they move slower versus faster.

Listening to the song “I Am What I Am.” The song “I Am What I Am,” by the musical duo + dear friends Aykanna, never fails to resonate with me and remind me that I am allowed to fully love and accept the current version of myself. And yes, I strive for self-improvement, personal evolution and growth, AND as I move through that journey I can choose to adore the essence of who I am which is pure divinity.

Beyond helping me come home to my whole Self, these practices help me take back my power back from limiting beliefs, feel what’s present in each moment, and truly live wholly as I embody as Woman, Mama, Wife, Daughter, Friend, and Human in this world.

I want to leave you with a passage that inspired this post last Thursday on the New Moon. When I read this, it resonated on a cellular level, gave me full body chills and brought tears of acceptance to my eyes. Yes, that kind of inspiration and affirmation that gives you the nod to keep going, you know the ones. I check in with the wise + radiant @MysticMamma via Instagram for astrological and cosmic downloads often. I highly recommend that you check her out.

“Feelings that have been dormant in the underworld of our psyches, are returning to us like waves rising toward the shore. The past is knocking on our door, not because it has come back to haunt us, but because it has come back to heal us. These are the imprints that we would rather forget as we continue to move rapidly into our future.

The reclaiming of our past is our soul’s retrieval of power. It’s the reconnaissance of all our orphaned parts back into ourselves, back into who we are now. And who we are now is precisely because of the past we have lived, not in spite of it. As individuals and as a culture, we need to make amends with where we’ve been. This Cancer New Moon reminds us that with a compassionate heart, we can face and embrace all that has been and all that we are, and free ourselves from that which has had its hold on us. Thus opening the way for us to truly move forward.”

~Mystic Mamma

As we journey alongside each other, I invite you to come home to yourself. This planet needs you to be you, the one that was sent here on a mission from the Divine. What is your assignment and are you committed to completing it? I am a hell yes. I am cheering you on all the way.

With a deep bow and boundless love,

All photography by Jessi Casprowitz

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